bird-on-a-leash: paperwhale: claydols: your bra strap is showing please hide it because it is suggestive. also your boobs are producing lumps in your shirt please hide them. your butt is in the same situation please get rid of it. also your legs. your arms. your face. I can see your feet and it’s very distracting and slightly arousing.
Find someone who will tremble for your touch, someone whose fingers are a poem.– Janet Fitch, White Oleander (via larmoyante)
guynecologist: wouldnt wanna
Anonymous asked: nose! wrist! thighs!
irresponsibleeyouth: the trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until its too late for them to back out
i-totes-just asked: dick
Message me a body part, this looks so interesting
Hair: What hair color looks best on you and what's your natural color?
Skin: Do you tan easily?
Eyes: What is your favorite show to watch?
Nose: What is your favorite perfume/candle fragrance?
Mouth: Do you want to kiss anyone right now?
Tongue: What was in your last meal?
Windpipe: Do you sing?
Neck: Do you wear necklaces?
Ears: How many piercings do you have (if any)?
Cheeks: Do you blush easily?
Wrists: Have you ever broken a bone?
Hands: Are you an artist/writer?
Fingers: Do you play an instrument?
Heart: Are you in love? If so, does the one you love know?
Lungs: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Chest: Are your maternal/parental instincts strong?
Stomach: Do you feel confident in your body image?
Back: Are you a virgin?
Hips: Do you like to dance?
Thighs: Has anyone ever called you fat or ugly?
Knees: Have you ever cheated on someone?
Ankles: Have you ever been arrested?
Feet: Do you ever wear heels just for the hell of it?
Toes: Do you like country music?
solluxyaoi: “wow hes really attractive” “aren’t you a lesbian though?? how can you tell???”
craplos: ladies. be careful when u wear spaghetti straps. it might distract the boys. they’ll start thinking of spaghetti. they will get hungry. they will stop at nothing to get their spaghetti.
the-vashta-nerada: my little sister and i went to go see the great gatsby and the power just went out in the theatre because of a storm and the movie shut off and after a few seconds i just went “well this is a mediocre gatsby” and everyone groaned and four people left
Substitute: Excuse me, is there a Mr. Dwayne Johnson in this class? Yes, Dwayne, can I have a word with you please?.... Well, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry to inform you that you have failed your 10th grade Physical Education Post-Assessment test because you did not properly recognize the most common situation that would necessitate the use of a drive shot in badminton. This shows an extreme lack of knowledge of how to maintain a physically active lifestyle that can only be solved by running laps around the gym many times. Therefore, I am pleased to inform you that you will be taking Remedial PE over the summer. However, to qualify for this class you must pass a qualifying test. You should also know that the course will consist of three units: "Doing Nothing Except Running Around the Gym", "Doing Nothing Except Peer Assessment", and "Learning How to Take Completely Pointless Surveys on the Computer". For each of these units there will be a pre-test and a post-test, and each post-test will count for 5837234% of your final grade. At the end of the class there will be a giant post-test that will test your abilities to read and comprehend at a second-grade level and to identify every single muscle in the entire human body on a diagram. Part of this test will be a 3,000-word essay in which you will have to write a Pulitzer-worthy novel featuring you as a physical fitness trainer designing a fitness plan for a 850-pound obese man in order to get him ready for the NYC Marathon. Any questions???
delightfully-bitchy: *whispers* Pomp and Circumstance *distant band kids screaming in pain*
hungarian: nowhere in the bible does it say god is not a burrito
thegirl-inred: toned-tanned-fit-andready: v0nlaust: caliiforniadreaming-xo: gothicstan: localised: do you ever get the urge to get up in the middle of the night while everyone else is fast asleep and just walk places and to be completely alone and entirely dedicated to your thoughts yes but the problem is i dont want to get murdered u feel me i feel you we all feel you why...
louderdecibelle: koizumim: really though if breasts, butts and legs are so distracting to men, to the point they cant function why arent they that distracting to lesbians and at that point why isnt the penis bulge and legs not distracting enough to gay men to warrant men being put under the same dress codes #spoilers: its because its bullshit
(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”
Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”
(I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)